Conflict & Feedback: Extend Grace for Others
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Extend some grace to others around conflict and feedback.
This week’s Culture Drop is some perspective to remember that not everybody shares your lived experience, especially when it comes to feedback and conflict. For some people, conflict and feedback are triggering or cause huge stress, even around minor things.
Here's some things to consider to add a little gentleness to your tool belt.
“Not everybody shares your lived experience, especially when it comes to feedback and conflict.”
People arrive with different histories & circumstances.
Some folks are great at receiving feedback and handling conflict. They stay calm, listen, and respond with curiosity. Others are not, and there are plenty of reasons someone might be very much not.
We have all experienced someone who reacts strongly to even the gentlest feedback. They get defensive, argumentative, or visibly rattled over something that is pretty minor, seems like no big deal, and even when the feedback is delivered very gently.
It's easy to read that as a massive personality flaw, and it’s also worth considering that there is likely a backstory. Maybe they grew up in a household where they were constantly criticized, so any feedback automatically triggers an urge to defend themselves, or makes them feel attacked. Also, some people go home to really dysfunctional or volatile situations every day.
You can't see any of that from the outside, you don't need to, and it’s none of your business to find out. But you could carry it with you that for other people that possibility exists.
“Getting good at navigating conflict and receiving feedback pays off in big ways. It builds trust, strengthens relationships, and helps teams and people recover quickly when feathers get ruffled.”
Skills matter, and so does grace.
Considering that those things are true can be helpful for us to extend some grace to others when it comes to navigating conflict, or giving and receiving feedback.
And none of that means that we shouldn't build better skills. Getting good at navigating conflict and receiving feedback pays off in big ways. It builds trust, strengthens relationships, and helps teams and people recover quickly when feathers get ruffled. It's healthier for everyone involved.
I think it is important to keep growing your skills individually, and as teams, and also to stay gentle with people who are not as far along on the path and still building it.
“Giving feedback and handling conflict are tough skills that take real time and intention to develop.”
If you're the defensive one.
If you notice that feedback or conflict puts you on high alert, and you feel an urge to defend at all costs, win, or be right, here's a mantra to try and adopt: be gentle.
Receive the feedback gently. Respond and react in a more gentle way. Assume the other person is trying to deliver it gently, too. Giving feedback and handling conflict are tough skills that take real time and intention to develop. Most people never get formal training in them. So the clumsy delivery you just heard is likely that person’s best, and not meant as a vicious attack.
If you're the one delivering it.
The flip side applies just as much. When you need to have a confrontational conversation or address something difficult, practice being gentle in how you do it. That means your word choices, your tone of voice, and your body language.
Take great care to be intentional with each of these things because it has a massive impact on how a message lands.
“We’re all doing the best we can out here. Work is hard, life can be a challenge. A bit of gentleness can make a big difference and go a long way.”
The takeaway.
Even if it seems strange to you, feedback and conflict can feel incredibly threatening to someone else. It can make them feel under attack, even when the input is light.
Holding a little space in your head and heart for that is a small act that makes a real difference.
We're all doing the best we can out here. Work is hard, life can be a challenge. A bit of gentleness can make a big difference and go a long way.
Related Blogs:
Extending Grace to Others at Work
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop
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