Assigning Positive Intent
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A powerful tool for navigating conflict and difficult conversations.
Navigating conflict with other people is hard. I think it's one of the hardest parts of the human experience. To help with that, here’s a simple and powerful tool to add to your tool belt: assigning positive intent.
We’ve all heard the phrase "assume positive intent." A popular concept and massively helpful mindset for teams and relationships. Assuming that other people have good intentions, even when their actions land badly, is a great habit to build.
And while this falls in a similar category, it’s a little different.
The distinction is that assuming positive intent is something you do internally, in your own head, to give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Assigning positive intent is something you do out loud, in the conversation, as an offering to the other person.
“One of the reasons conflict is so hard is because nobody wants to believe they’re a bad person.”
A sticky point about conflict.
One of the reasons conflict is so hard is because nobody wants to believe they're a bad person. So when someone points out that we did something wrong, hurtful, mean, careless, most people’s first instinct is to defend themselves. They defend their character, integrity their intentions, etc.
That defensiveness is the real obstacle. If someone feels attacked, they put up their armor, and a brick wall of defense instead of listening and having an actual conversation.
What this tool looks like in action.
So let's say someone said something that hurt your feelings, and you want to bring it up. Compare these two approaches.
Approach one: "Hey, that really hurt my feelings. That was a crappy thing to say."
Unless the other person has a lot of emotional intelligence and skill in these situations, this often triggers defensiveness. They might respond with something like "you're being too sensitive" or "I didn't mean it that way."
“Hey, I don’t think your intention was to hurt my feelings or embarrass me by saying that, but that’s the impact it had on me.”
Approach two: "Hey, I don't think your intention was to hurt my feelings or embarrass me by saying that, but that's the impact it had on me.”
That second version is assigning positive intent. You're proactively assigning them more innocent intentions, and removing the perceived attack on their character.
This is helpful to prevent the other person from becoming defensive because it removes the need for them to spend any energy defending that they’re a good person or had pure intentions.
Now the conversation can just focus on what actually matters: the impact of what happened.
“When you assign positive intent you’re telling the other person right up front that their character isn’t on trial here.”
Why this works so well.
When you assign positive intent you're telling the other person right up front that their character isn't on trial here. That frees them up to actually hear you, hopefully take ownership, and respond more productively instead of scrambling to defend themselves.
Obviously, this doesn't guarantee the other person won't get defensive. Some people struggle to receive any kind of feedback, no matter how gently or skillfully it's delivered. But this tool removes a huge amount of the noise that normally clogs up a hard conversation.
It gets straight to what's actually going on instead of getting tangled in a fight about who's a good or bad person.
But what if they were truly just being an asshole, and I know it?
Look, not everyone is out here operating in good faith. Some people really are inconsiderate, and they say hurtful things without regard for the impact. I'm not naive about that.
But that's another reason why this tool is super helpful. It gives you a way to bring up a hard truth with a smaller chance of triggering a fight about their character.
It helps clear the path so the actual issue can get addressed, and it gives the other person an opportunity to listen and take ownership instead of digging in or launching into accountability acrobatics. It doesn’t mean that they won’t, but at least you are coming in gently and productively and giving them a chance to save face.
“Humans ruffle each other’s feathers. That’s just part of being in relationships with other people at work or at home.”
Worth adding to your tool belt.
Difficult conversations and disagreements are inevitable. Humans ruffle each other's feathers. That's just part of being in relationships with other people at work or at home.
The more tools and language we have to move through those moments without escalating them the better off we all are. Assigning positive intent is one of my favorites because it's simple, it's specific, and it works.
Next time you need to bring up something that hurt or bothered you, try leading with good graces about the other person's intentions before you get to the impact. It changes the whole tone of the conversation.
Related Blogs:
How to Have a Difficult or Sensitive Conversation
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop
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