How to Have a Difficult or Sensitive Conversation
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How to Navigate Difficult or Sensitive Conversations with Grace
A juicy topic that’s crucial and often extremely challenging: having difficult or sensitive conversations. Whether it's a coworker, boss, friend, or romantic partner, we've all experienced conversations going really badly, or completely avoiding saying something because you’re nervous about how to say it or how the other person will respond.
These conversations can often be tough, but they're necessary for resolving static and maintaining healthy, honest relationships.
This topic came up from a comment on one of our Emotional Intelligence Series videos titled "Stop Talking Only About You." Someone asked about how to make someone else aware of this behavior if they're always hijacking conversations? And I thought it would be a perfect topic to make an episode about.
Here is my step by step approach to navigate difficult conversations.
Come in gently, seeking advice.
First of all, a note about the environment that you initiate the conversation in. I always advise bringing the conversation up “in cold blood.” What I mean by that is do it at a time when emotions aren’t high, instead of in the heat of the moment. And ideally have it in a location that is private and without many distractions.
When initiating the conversation, approach it with humility and openness, and a request to get their advice or input on something. I like this approach because in order to mutually resolve whatever it is, their input, perspective, and/or understanding is pretty necessary.
“Frame it as a discussion rather than a confrontation.”
Frame it as a discussion rather than a confrontation. For example, you might open with, “I’d like to share something with you that’s been on my mind. I’d like to hear your thoughts and perspective or advice on this.”
This invites the other person to participate in a dialogue rather than feel attacked, and it makes the conversation feel more collaborative. Also, coming in asking for advice puts the other person in a less defensive frame of mind than anything that feels like, “I’m here to tell you about this thing you do that I don’t like.”
Say what you mean to say, gently.
When you get to saying the actual thing, don’t mince words or beat around the bush. Speak plainly and focus on how you're experiencing the situation rather than accusing the other person. For instance, if they tend to dominate conversations, you might say, "I've noticed that sometimes when we talk, or when I’m sharing something with you, it feels like the conversation gets centered on you. I don’t think you’re doing it intentionally on purpose, but it doesn’t always feel great."
It’s important to stress that you don’t believe they’re doing this on purpose in a malicious way, or that they’re a bad person, etc. This approach helps soften the message and makes it clear that you’re not questioning their character, just sharing how the behavior or situation impacts you.
Reinforce the relationship, make it a collaborative conversation.
“Let them know that you’re bringing this up because your goal is to have a really healthy, positive working relationship...”
Reassure them that your relationship matters to you; whether it's a friendship, work relationship, etc. Let them know that you're bringing this up because your goal is to have a really healthy, positive working relationship (friendship, etc) which means being able to safely and gently share things like this with each other.
Language I really find helpful is “If you were having an experience of me that didn’t feel great, I would want you to feel like you could come and tell me about it. And I also hope that you would feel that telling me is safe; that I wouldn’t freak out or get mad, or react poorly to it.”
After sharing your thoughts, invite them into the conversation: "What are your thoughts on this?" or "How do you feel about what I’ve said?" Or depending on the situation even “What would you do if you were me, how would you go about bringing this up or resolving it”
This encourages a two-way dialogue, where they can share their perspective and you can find common ground and understanding together.
Why it matters.
Ultimately, some people might still react defensively, no matter how gently you approach the conversation or how careful you are with your words. But by being thoughtful and using this approach in your delivery, you create a much better chance for a productive dialogue, positive outcome, and finding resolution.
“The reason it’s critical to be able to have these types of conversations and have them go well is because when we avoid them it results in dysfunction.”
The reason it’s critical to be able to have these types of conversations and have them go well is because when we avoid them it results in dysfunction.
When things go unsaid, or wounds between people go unhealed, the result is strained relationships, people checking out or quitting their jobs, resentments, and any number of other destructive dynamics.
Sometimes the resolution is just to make someone aware of something that bothers you, or that they’ve hurt your feelings unintentionally. Sometimes dynamics or behaviors need to change in order to keep the relationship intact. Whatever it is, every relationship is healthier when people can say what needs to be said to each other, and the other person can receive it well.
Last thought: Be the kind of person that can hear tough feedback and respond well. It’s a superpower, if you care about having strong, healthy relationships at work and in your life.
Related Blogs:
Improving Emotional Intelligence Part 1: Emotions vs Behavior
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop
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