How to Handle a Coworker's Bad Behavior the Right Way
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I recently received a great and juicy question to cover: “How do you know when to go and talk to your boss about a co-worker's bad behavior?”
This is a big one because even if you have a coworker who is making your life miserable for some reason, it’s often a really hard choice to get your boss involved out of fear of making things worse, or being associated with drama.
Here’s how to handle that.
There are two phases.
1. Try to solve it directly with your coworker
If possible, try to sort things out and solve it directly with your co-worker. Every situation, relationship, dynamic and context is very different, so use your best discretion when thinking about how to apply these ideas.
“You’re going in asking for their advice, as opposed to pointing out what they’re doing wrong.”
First: Go to your co-worker and frame the conversation up like, “Hey, I’d like to run something past you and get your perspective and insight on something that I'm dealing with and that's on my mind. Is now a good time to talk?”
The reason I like framing it up like that is because you're going in asking for their advice, as opposed to pointing out what they’re doing wrong.
You're asking for permission to have the conversation, and ultimately you don’t want to put them on the defense by coming in saying, “You always do this,” or “You don't make me feel listened to,” or “You're toxic and terrible,” etc. Being curious and avoiding coming in to tell someone what they’re doing wrong has a much higher chance of success to make progress or find a resolution, and to get them to open up and be receptive.
It's just simply, “I'm having an experience that I'd like to get your perspective about.”
“It’s really important to start challenging conversations by asking for permission.”
And I think the most productive way to frame up the conversation is by sharing your experience or observations with them. Literally saying: “The experience I’m having is…”
That can sound like, “The experience I'm having is that there are times where there seems to be some static between us that doesn’t feel great” or, “There are times when I feel like you might be frustrated towards me, and I’m wondering if I might be doing something specific, or contributing in a way that doesn’t feel great to you.”
Some other helpful things to say are: “I’m not 100% sure that my observations or assumptions are true, I just want to get your thoughts and perspective about how things feel for you. I'm not here to tell you that you're doing something wrong. I’d like to talk about this, and start by hearing you out and what’s happening for you.”
Really important to enter into challenging conversations like this because coming to listen and hear and understand is much more effective than coming in to accuse, put someone in their place, or make them feel bad.
“You’re not coming in to accuse, you’re not coming in to put someone in their place or make them feel bad.”
It can be helpful to reinforce, “Our working relationship is important to me, and it feels like things are challenging, or there's some static between us that I would like to sort out because ideally both of us are having a good experience. I'd like to hear where you're coming from first and just listen to understand.”
And as you move through the conversation, if they’re willing to open up and engage, continue to be curious and in search of a solution that would improve their experience.
And you might ask: But why their experience and not yours, especially because in this situation they are the ones with the bad behavior?
Because if you can make their experience better, and focus on repairing the relationship, or changing their behavior or attitude, etc, then you will be making your experience better too. The ultimate goal is to find resolution, not to be right or put them in their place.
This is just a much smarter way to go about it then to come in ready for battle and to light them up with accusations. It's very disarming and emotionally neutral to come in looking to hear them out and for ways you can improve things between you two.
“Saying ‘The experience I’m having is that I sometimes don’t feel listened to by you,’ has a vastly different impact on someone than saying ‘You don’t listen to me.”
And after they’ve had a chance to share, or if they act like nothing is wrong (which they might), then ask them for permission to hear you out and for you to share some of your thoughts with them about how things could be improved for you.
When it’s your turn, don’t beat around the bush, be direct and specific, and frame things up in the context of the experience you’re having and the feelings that you’re having. Avoid accusations and stick to your own experience. Saying “The experience I’m having is that I sometimes don’t feel listened to by you,” has a vastly different impact on someone than saying “You don’t listen to me.”
Explore the situation with them and try to find a mutually beneficial resolution or a way forward that feels clear and better for both of you.
I have a number of great resources/vids/blogs on how to approach different aspects of conversations like this:
2. If that isn’t successful, here’s how to approach your boss about the issue.
Let's say you try to sort things out directly with no success; it makes things worse, or they're not open to a conversation or resolution, which they might not be.
When you go to your boss, it's not, “I'm coming here to tell on this person and get them into trouble.” Approach the conversation with your boss almost the same way you did with you coworker in a calm, emotionally neutral way.
“I would like to get your perspective and insight, and some advice from you about how I should handle this situation.”
Explain everything to your boss framed up like, “These are my observations, this is what's happening, this is the experience I’m having and my feelings.” Mention that you attempted to have this conversation with the other person and share how it went (obviously it didn’t get resolved because now you’re talking to your boss).
Simply say, “I've tried to be proactive and sort it out with them directly, and didn't make any headway. I would like your perspective and advice of what to do next, or how we can approach this together?”
“I’m not here to make that person look bad or get them in trouble, I want to have a positive working relationship with them.”
I think it’s important to be clear, “I'm not here to make that person look bad or get them in trouble, I want to have a positive working relationship with them, but I've tried what I can to make things better and I wasn't able to. Can you share your perspective here or some advice on how to find a resolution?”
Approaching it this way with your boss shows emotional maturity and self-awareness, and it’s a very proactive, practical way to simply find the best way forward.
HR in your organization should also hopefully be a resource to have this conversation and be able to help you navigate those conversations and give you some guidance and tools, or to potentially facilitate something with the other employees as well.
Have a pure heart.
Last thing I want to say is that if your objective is pure, and you truly just want to find resolution and make things better, you will have a lot more success with these conversations than if you want to get this person in trouble, make them look bad, feel bad, hurt their reputation, or put them in their place.
“The language that you use, and the way you show up in these situations are greatly impacted by what your true objectives are.”
The language that you use, and the way you show up in these situations are greatly impacted by what your true objectives are. Keep things above board if you actually want to find resolution.
Situations like this are unfortunately common in the workplace, and the more skills and tools that individuals have to navigate courageous and challenging conversations with each other, the better off every workplace would be.
Sorting things like this out as smoothly and easily as possible is key to having a more successful, productive, awesome workplace culture. Resolving conflict is a skill that anyone can become great at. Level yourself up, your whole life will benefit from it.
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop
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