3 Ways to Handle a Difficult Boss

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It is inevitable throughout your career that you will have challenging relationships and work with people that are difficult. Unfortunately, sometimes those people will be your boss. It's worth the effort to beef up your skills and be able to navigate those situations and conversations to find resolutions so that you can just show up and be the best version of yourself.

I think it can be one of the hardest things in the universe to have a difficult boss or navigate having a strained relationship. A contentious relationship with your boss will make you less productive, less engaged, and squash the best performance of you as an employee. Not to mention probably causing you to dread going to work every day.

“The reality is that it’s not worth the damage to your peace of mind and well-being to continue to endure that. If a terrible relationship with your boss is sucking the life out of your head, fix it now or leave.”

The reality is that it’s not worth the damage to your peace of mind and well-being to continue to endure that. If a terrible relationship with your boss is sucking the life out of your head, fix it now or leave.

3 ways to manage having a difficult boss

1. The most direct and courageous way: Have a difficult conversation.

I acknowledge that this is challenging because there's dynamics involved when dealing with your boss that involve authority and power. Your boss has the potential to make your life miserable, or to fire you, or prevent giving you opportunities in the future.

There can be a fear of retaliation to address the situation head on, but I think trying to have a really productive conversation and fix that relationship to turn things around is worth doing, especially if it's making you miserable.

To frame up that conversation with them, first, do it in cold blood.

What I mean by that is do not have that conversation while you're heated, emotionally fired up, or triggered about something. It's important to have that conversation in an emotionally neutral space.

“Be intentional about how you’re showing up to engage in the conversation; be calm, don’t raise your voice, or get heated or excited. Remain focused simply on finding a resolution.”

Be intentional about how you're showing up to engage in the conversation; be calm, don't raise your voice, or get heated or excited. Remain focused simply on finding a resolution.

Secondly, I think it’s helpful to be honest and admit, “I'm nervous about having this conversation with you because you’re my boss. I feel like there's something going on that that's really challenging for me, and I want to talk through it with you and get your perspective because it's impacting my work and how I feel about being here.”

“The experience I’m having is this.”

A really useful tool for navigating a difficult conversation like this is to use experience-based language which I talked about in my 3 Keys to Productive Conflict post.

It's important not to come in accusing someone by labeling them or telling them what they’re doing wrong. Saying “You’re a terrible boss,” or “You don't like me,” or “You don't listen to me,” etc. is a quick way to put someone on the defensive and it’s counterproductive. Sharing the experience that you’re having and asking for them to give their perspective allows for both people to be in a more receptive, open space and leads to a much more productive conversation.

For example saying, “The experience I'm having is that I don't feel listened to,” is less likely to put someone on the defense than saying “You don’t listen to me.”

When you come in accusing someone, the conversation often devolves into an argument about whether that statement is true or not. However, when you come in focused on you and sharing the experience you’re having, it removes the dynamic of being able to argue about whether or not it’s true.

Ask for their perspective to help find a resolution

Having them share their thoughts, and being willing to listen to them, is a nice way to invite them into the conversation and have them help find a resolution that works for both of you.

That might look something like this, “This is the experience that I'm having, this is the result and impact on my work and how I feel about being here. I think that I would show up better as an employee if we can solve this together because ultimately, my goal is for us to have a good working relationship and for me to feel excited about being here and to do a great job. I’d like to hear your perspective about what things feel like to you and understand where you’re coming from so that we can work through this together and find a way to make things feel better for both of us.”

In the process, take some ownership and ask, “How can I show up differently and what things can I do that will help you?” Remember, your goal is to repair and strengthen the relationship you have with your boss. Not to put them in their place, not to make them feel bad, not to criticize or humiliate them. If those things are on your agenda then this conversation will not have the effect that you want. Those will only make things worse.

I know it takes a lot of courage to have that conversation but it's important. For some more helpful tips, check out my post that’s a Step by Step Guide to Conflict Resolution. If your boss is open to it, watch that video together and use the step by step model to navigate this conversation with them.

2. Find another opportunity within your organization.

That conversation may completely turn things around and repair your relationship with your boss. It also may not. There is always a chance that it has zero effect, or they aren’t receptive to it, or it backfires because they are a terrible leader, have no emotional intelligence, or incapable of calmly navigating conflict or productive conversations. If that’s the case, be proactive about finding a different opportunity.

Look for opportunities inside your company to possibly work for a different leader, a different department, or a situation where you don't have to work directly together anymore. If you have a good HR department they are a great resource for this. Depending on the size and structure of your company this may or may not be possible, but it’s worth a shot.

3. GTFO (get the fuck out).

It's not worth it. Life is short and your well-being matters. It’s just not worth the damage to your headspace, self esteem, or daily life.

“ If your job drains the energy and life from you, think about how that affects the way you show up in all other areas of your life.”

Staying in that situation doesn’t just impact you, it has an impact on the people around you and your relationships with them. Your friends, or spouse, or kids don’t need to hear over and over again about your terrible work experiences. If your job drains the energy and life from you, think about how that affects the way you show up in all other areas of your life.

Some bosses (and companies) are truly terrible and have no place being in leadership positions. They don’t value employees, ignore culture, don’t seek or accept feedback, will make your life miserable, retaliate, and cannot be changed or reasoned with. There are an unfortunate amount of leaders and companies who fit this profile.

Just go, let it be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself. I know many people can't just whimsically quit their jobs, but be proactive, start looking for another job or opportunity.

There are great companies and leaders out there, go find one and work for them instead.

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This article was created by keynote speaker Galen Emanuele for the #shiftyestribe. Free leadership and team culture content centered on a new focus every month. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Shift Yes Tribe at http://bit.ly/jointheshiftyestribe

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