A Quick, Simple Hack to Start Challenging Conversations
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If you are a human being, then it is inevitable that throughout your life you will have to have potentially dicey conversations with other people in terms of providing feedback, or sharing your perspective or opinion. This can be a fast way to create static, or conflict with others. And while some people are relatively easy to engage in challenging conversations with, a large number of people are very difficult to deal with in this regard.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the power to mandate non-violent communication skills and conflict resolution training for every human on the planet, which would greatly reduce the challenge of difficult conversations. However, here is one little tip for you to add to your tool belt in order to enter into those types of conversations a little more smoothly.
Frame up challenging conversations with a simple question.
One of the most valuable elements of successfully navigating a potentially tricky conversation with someone else is to have them be in a receptive and open space to hear what you have to say. If that other person is extremely defensive or resistant to hearing you out, then there is very little chance that the two of you will be able to find resolution. That being true, any skills that can help you to put someone else in a receptive space are valuable.
This is incredibly simple and incredibly effective: Ask for permission from that person to engage in that conversation, or to share your thoughts and perspective with them.
Tactically, that looks like this:
“I have some thoughts, or perspective about that,” or, “I have some feedback that I'd like to share, if you’re open to hearing it. Are you open to me sharing some thoughts and hearing where I'm coming from on this?”
When someone responds to that with a “yes", it automatically puts them in a more receptive place to hear what you have to say. They are taking a moment to acknowledge and make space for you to share. It's a really wise way to enter into potentially challenging conversations.
On the flip side, if you just come in uninvited with your opinion or opposition, or feedback for somebody, you have a way higher chance of immediately putting them on the defensive, and raising up all of their armor which often results in a much less productive interaction. Especially if they are someone who is generally challenging to have hard conversations with, AKA low emotional intelligence.
“Asking for permission to share your thoughts also makes the other person feel considered which goes a long way to them being receptive to hearing what you have to say.”
This is just a really nice tool that can greatly lower the emotional intensity of a situation as well. When people get defensive or feel attacked, they generally switch into fight or flight mode where emotions go way up, and listening and self reflection go way down.
Asking for permission to share your thoughts also makes the other person feel considered which goes a long way to them being receptive to hearing what you have to say.
This tip lends itself to a lot of different situations and context.
Here' is a quick list of things that are helpful to ask for permission to share with someone else before just blurting out your opinion. A simple sentence to use is “I have some (fill in the blank with a word from the list below) that I’d like to share with you if you’re open to it. Are you open to me sharing those with you?”
Thoughts
Perspective
Assumptions
Observations
Feedback
What if they say no?
You have to be prepared for someone to say no. Depending on the context of the situation and the dynamic, someone might not be open to hearing you out or your perspective. And if that’s the case, then just don't share with them.
“... another useful tool to add to your tool belt is the presence of mind and willpower to keep your thoughts to yourself when they’re not welcome”
Forcing your opinion or perspective on somebody who doesn’t want to hear it can create more conflict and static, and depending on the situation, it might not be needed or helpful. Also, they might just not really care to hear what you have to say in that particular moment.
That can be a hard pill to swallow, but if it’s true then another useful tool to add to your tool belt is the presence of mind and willpower to keep your thoughts to yourself when they’re not welcome. That of course, requires discretion on your part and is incredibly dependent on the context of the situation, the dynamic of the relationship, and the specific conversation.
All in all, you will have more success with challenging conversations if you approach the other person with the wisdom to ask for their permission to hear you out and listen to what you have to say. All communication across the board, whether at work or outside of it, would be greatly improved if the element of making space for others to share and be receptive to considering their perspective was always present.
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop
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