How to Resolve Conflict Between Two Co-Workers
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Conflict at work and between co-workers: Inevitable, and not disastrous.
It can even cause a stronger relationship in the end, *if* you know how to work through it and find a resolution. Here's a step by step model to navigate through a tough issue. This model is handy to use whether you are one of the parties involved, or your role is to be a mediator to facilitate the conversation and help find resolution.
Handling conflict between two co-workers is a balancing act that can easily go wrong. But here’s a helpful formula to make things go right.
First, let me get this out of the way: in order for this to work, both people have to earnestly want peace. Both people have to be ready to engage with the goal of finding a resolution to the matter.
If only one person wants this, or one person isn’t ready, the chances of it working are basically zero. Both parties have to be willing in order for this conversation to be productive.
What are we trying to do here, actually?
The point of following this model that I’m about to share is to tackle conflict in a way where both people have an opportunity to hear each other, to feel listened to and understood, and to work together to find a resolution.
And finding a resolution together is best served by the facilitator and both people remaining open to be honest, vulnerable, and committing to being as emotionally neutral as possible throughout the conversation. There are additional links at the bottom of this article to helpful tools and skills when it comes to navigating different aspects of this topic.
Step 1: Listening & Clarifying.
Let’s call these two people Person A and Person B.
The first step in this conversation is for Person A to share, and Person B to only listen.
Person A explains themselves to Person B. They share everything that is going on for them; how they’re feeling, what they’re assuming, why they’re upset, and what the heart of the matter is for them.
While person A is sharing, Person B only listens.
That might sound simple and obvious, but it’s massively important to adhere to. While Person A is sharing, Person B does not sigh, or roll their eyes, or give any physical or verbal feedback at all. They do not interrupt, they do not jump in to clarify. They just simply and intently listen.
Once Person A is done speaking, Person B will repeat back everything they heard.
Person B can open with “What I heard you say is….”
This opens a channel of feedback in which Person B is repeating back everything that they heard as accurately as possible.
Person A will provide any clarification needed.
During this time, Person A will clarify anything that Person B might have heard wrong, misinterpreted, or misunderstood.
Once that’s done, both people trade roles and do the same thing again.
Person B now has the opportunity to share everything that’s going on for them while Person A just listens. Once they’re done, Person A repeats back what they heard, Person B verifies or clarifies as needed.
Just doing these few steps above goes a long way in to deescalating the conversation and ensuring that both people feel listened to, and more importantly, understood.
Step 2: Objectives. What do both people want?
Once Person A and Person B have heard each other out, it’s time to identify what they want. Both people must have a goal in mind for the future.
Is the goal to have a better working relationship? Is it to maintain peace? Whatever that looks like based on the circumstance and context of the situation, both people identify and agree on common end goals that they would like to see.
Once both parties know what they are trying to achieve, it’s time to get into problem-solving mode.
Step 3: Take ownership & find resolution.
“How do we get to a solution? What do we need to change? How can both people show up differently? What has contributed to this, and what will prevent this from happening again in the future?”
Both people contribute ideas to the solution and collaboratively determine ways they can both show up differently to change the dynamics of the situation, or their behavior, etc. going forward.
It’s important to note that even if you think you’re squeaky clean and have done nothing wrong, the reality of having conflict with someone else is that both individuals have contributed, intentionally or unintentionally to how things have escalated.
It’s matters to this process that both people take ownership and/or make amends for their behavior and/or the impact that they’ve had on the other person or the situation in general.
Witnessing the other person take responsibility for their contribution goes a long way in establishing good will, trust, and repairing psychological wounds and damage.
Step 4: Make some agreements & a plan.
After Person A and B both acknowledge what they will change going forward, decide on some mutual agreements together. Write these down and document them, they can be sent out in an email afterward etc.
Finally, once there is crystal clarity, decide when to come back together and check-in to evaluate progress, acknowledge successes, add or adjust anything based on how things are going by this point. The timeline for when to check back in should make sense and be appropriate based on the context and severity of the entire situation. Use discretion to determine if that’s in a week, or a month, etc.
The same way that you’d revisit benchmarks while trying to achieve a goal, check back in to see if things are going okay or if there are improvements to be made.
Checking in with the other person and being honest about what’s working and what’s not prevents things from reverting back to how they were, and falling back into conflict again.
This is a simple step by step model to resolving conflict, and I think it’s an incredibly useful tool to keep in your back pocket when it comes to any situation of conflict that both people are willing to resolve.
This is valuable to your relationships as a co-worker, leader, friend, partner, etc. When conflict arises, and both people are willing to sit down and work it out, it’s a great guide to help make that conversation be as successful as possible.
Related Articles:
How To Deal With Conflict At Work
How To Recover From a Heated Argument
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop