Is it Toxic to Say "We're a Family" at Work?
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Is it toxic to say “We’re a family here” at work?
My two cents and perspective on this possibly touchy topic.
I think this can be a very polarizing conversation for some, especially because a lot of companies pride themselves on having a culture that “is like a family.” I don’t know everything in the world, but this is my perspective.
Before I dive in, I want to point out that there is some parallels here between DEIB work and the reality that language matters.
Part of owning your impact and growing as a person means becoming more aware of other people’s lived experiences.
So, is it toxic to say “We’re a family here"?
My two cents:
I think when organizations use that phrase they intend for it to be positive. I believe that they use that language to mean that “We have each other’s backs, we take care of each other and support one another.”
I think that those things are positive, noble, and all important elements to a healthy, positive working culture.
The sticky point is that when it comes to the word “family” many people’s lived experiences of what a family is and how it operates are not positive and healthy.
For many people, the idea of work being like a family is the last thing that they want to be a part of.
Plenty of people’s lived experiences of families are that they are dysfunctional, unhealthy, and based on hierarchical systems of poor behavior and toxicity that are ignored and/or perpetuated.
When a lot of people think of family, they think of bad communication, people being in each other’s business, gossip, a lack of boundaries, and obligation that they cannot escape from.
If family means something positive to you, that’s great.
If the idea of a family unit is something meaningful and positive to you, that’s wonderful and you are lucky that that is the case. My point here is that is not true for a vast amount of people, so using the word family to describe your culture may have the completely opposite intended affect.
Of course conjuring up images of trauma, abuse of power, and dysfunction is not what any company or leadership team intends when they talk about being like a family. However, it’s important to be aware of other’s experiences and it may be worth taking a good look at to consider the impact of using that language.
Workplace friends ≠ family.
Another point here is that the beauty of the workplace is that we have agency in how we show up, and what we allow. You might have had no choice but to tolerate toxic behavior in your family, but you don’t have to endure the same behavior from folks at your workplace.
Having boundaries with work friends is a great thing. Having relationships with work friends that feel like family members is a great thing. It’s just important to remember that everyone might not all feel the same way, and it’s important to use language that includes more than your own perspective.
The opportunity here.
There’s a wonderful opportunity here to think about word choice when it comes to describing your company or team’s culture. My advice for companies is to get clear about what you mean when you say “family” and use that language instead.
If by saying ‘family’ you mean that you are supportive, that you genuinely care about one another, and have each other’s backs, then use that language instead.
Final thoughts.
My perspective is that organizations should view themselves like a high-performing sports team instead of like a family. One obvious reason is that people can’t get fired or laid off in a family.
In thinking about how high performing sports teams operate, everyone wants to be there and has a shared purpose that they are collectively rowing towards. People are skilled in their roles, training and improving are prioritized. How individuals show up and impact others matters, and there’s a high bar to perform well in your job. Also, ideally there is support and genuine care for each other and camaraderie.
Another factor is that people understand that if they don’t show up or perform well that they can be removed.
Language evolves. If you’re using family-based language when referring to your work team, it may be time to reevaluate the impact of that language — there might be a better, clearer way to say what you actually mean.
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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop