5 Words That Will Level Up Your EQ

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As you navigate the waters of interacting with other people in your life, the more tools you have in your toolbox the more successful you will be. Much of your business and personal experiences and success rely largely on your ability to effectively deal with the dynamics and sticky situations that are a natural result of interacting with others; especially around communication and conflict.

This is why emotional intelligence is so vital for leaders and teams. It directly pertains to establishing and cultivating strong, trusting relationships, defusing and resolving conflict, empathy, self awareness, being in tune with your own emotions and behavior as well as accurately reading and interpreting other people’s... the list goes on and on.

Essentially, EQ matters, A LOT.

And it’s not just vital for teams and in business, it applies to and impacts every relationship you’ll have in your life from friends to family to romantic partners. With that in mind, one of my absolute favorite tools to use in communication is the simple phrase “Tell me more about that.”

Learn it, know it, embrace it, and have it ready to use at any moment. Especially when things get sticky in communication; where there is static or conflict, or any situation where emotions are high and there is a greater chance to misunderstand or permanently damage a relationship.

Specifically, here two ways that this phrase can be a huge benefit to your personal and professional communications.

1. When someone shares an idea that you don’t immediately like.

Somebody comes to you with an idea that you think is hair-brained, or ridiculous and not feasible, or you just flat out don't like it. “Tell me more about that” is a great place to start as a response.

Here's two reasons that it's incredibly useful:

Number one, it gives you a second to pause and take a beat instead of just trampling on their idea and coming in hot with your opinion of all the reasons you don’t like it, or why it won’t work.

“This may be hard to believe, but you are not the end all, be all of which ideas are great or not.”

This may be hard to believe, but you are not the end all, be all of which ideas are great or not. Before you light up your flamethrower to torch their idea, allow a moment for them to explain why they like the idea and how they think it could work. You might learn something in the process or see a solution/angle that you would otherwise miss. A solid “Tell me more about that” right out of the gate moves the conversation forward instead of shutting it down.

Postpone your opinion for a moment and ask some questions first, like, “Why do you think that's important? Help me understand where you’re coming from.” Be curious and open to hear their thoughts and perspective. If you see challenges that you don’t think they do, ask “At first glance, I see some potential challenges around FILL IN THE BLANK, what are your thoughts around that?”

Many great ideas start as bad ones. Look for how ideas could work before listing all the reasons they won’t. Sometimes all an idea needs is a few tweaks and additions for it to go from terrible to brilliant.

Number two, we all want to feel heard, listened to, and considered. This shouldn’t be a secret, but it happens so rarely between humans that it feels like it might be: The way that you make someone feel listened to is you actually ask them questions, let them speak, and consider what they have to say.

“Feeling listened to and considered is a valuable currency in all relationships.”

It’s important in cultivating, strengthening, and maintaining relationships that we hear people out. Feeling listened to and considered is a valuable currency in all relationships. When people shoot down our ideas or don’t listen to us, we stop sharing things with them. Without question, being someone who shoots down ideas consistently and isn’t willing to make space to hear people out will hurt your reputation and your relationships.

Self awareness is never a bad look.

A tricky element to this is that it ties in heavily with self awareness, which means if you are the kind the person who does this, you likely don’t realize it. Take a hard look at how you respond to other’s people’s ideas and suggestions and how that might affect their willingness to share with you. Intentionally curb your initial reaction to ideas you don’t like to dive deeper and make others feel listened to first, before you think about putting on your trampling shoes.

One last simple truth: 4 plus 4 is 8, and also, 15 minus 7 is 8. There is always more than one way to get to the same outcome, and putting your ego aside to acknowledge that your way is not the best or only way will serve you well in your career and life.

2. Conflict and feedback.

When someone else says something that you don't agree with or don’t like, or you become emotionally fired up, frustrated, or angry, it's another great time for “Tell me more about that,” for similar reasons.

One, it will give you a moment to just take a beat, pause, remain calm, and listen before you respond. Second, it goes a long way to defuse conflict and heated situations when we switch our focus to listening and trying to understanding where the other person is coming from rather than jumping into the fight and instantly becoming defensive and/or hostile.

“When we become defensive, we stop listening. But we have the choice to instead become curious.”

When we become defensive, we stop listening. But we have the choice instead to become curious. Being curious goes a long way to resolving conflicts.

In terms of your own self-development and ability to navigate conflict or feedback from other people in all relationships, this requires a high level of self awareness and intention.

Being in control of your emotional behavior.

Humans are miserably bad at resolving conflict and this, in my opinion, is the number one reason why; the inability to control emotional behavior or defuse someone else’s. Especially when we experience conflict, being able to recognize and separate your behavior from your emotions is expert level emotional intelligence. Feeling angry is one thing, but yelling at someone or becoming defensive and insulting someone else is another.

“Especially when we experience conflict, being able to recognize and separate your behavior from your emotions is expert level emotional intelligence.”

When someone is upset at you or they're coming at you with a lot of emotion, “Tell me more about that” goes a long way to transform a heated debate or a fight into some productive dialogue and a cool-headed conversation.

Instead of reflecting their emotion and intensity, it’s incredibly defusing to say “Before I respond, I just want to truly understand where you’re coming from and hear you out. Can you tell me more about what’s happening for you and why you feel that way?”

So much conflict that we have with other people can be resolved or greatly diminished by us being willing to listen, be curious, and truly seek to understand someone before we come in with our opinions or engage in a way that makes the conflict feel like a battle.

Perception vs reality.

The catch is that in doing this you are going to hear things you don’t like or don’t agree with. This is true both in conflict and receiving feedback from others. But here’s the kicker: Ultimately, it doesn't matter if what you heard is true or not. What matters is that this person is having this experience with you, and it’s true for them.

“Cosmically, whether you are a good listener or not is irrelevant, The truth of the situation is that person’s experience is that they don’t feel listened to by you.”

If someone comes to you and says “You’re a terrible listener!” Cosmically, whether you are a good listener or not is irrelevant, The truth of the situation is that person's experience is that they don't feel listened to by you. So instead of arguing about whether you’re a good listener or not, turn your focus to understanding what experience they’re having that causes them to feel that way, and how you can make it better.

It’s so simple and it’s so important. As a leader, coworker, colleague, friend, or partner, for the sake of your relationships, prioritize how you impact those around you. Each person’s experience is subjective, and other people’s perceptions are their truth. If you want stronger, healthier relationships with other people, be willing to ask, listen, and make changes.

It's a worthy goal to want to improve other people's experience with us, especially in a workplace setting where we interact with a variety of personalities and communication styles. “Tell me more about that” will help you navigate how you respond to other people’s ‘bad’ ideas and resolve conflicts more effectively. Having the wherewithal in heated, sticky moments to respond in a cool-headed, curious way will preserve your relationships and it really is jedi-level emotional intelligence.

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This article was created by Galen Emanuele for the #culturedrop. Free leadership and team culture content in less than 5 minutes a week. Check out the rest of this month's content and subscribe to the Culture Drop at https://bit.ly/culturedrop 

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